Fuck you Sony. Seriously. Fuck you.
Making a fucking sequel to The Smurfs?! Seriously. Just no. Stop. I can't allow it. The first Smurfs was so bad that it wasn't funny, it was wasn't just forgettable, it just made me really mad. And guess what? Every critic I've seen said the same thing. I mean most of them didn't hate it as much as I did, but I haven't heard of one who said it was good, or even just ok, they all said it sucked. But hey, you made some money because people are stupid and actually went to see this piece of shit, so obviously there has to be a sequel. I don't know whether to be angry, disappointed or just plain tired, but just... it's gonna be awful. I'm telling you right now, it will be the worst film of that year. And if it's worse than the first one, which I know it will be, I don't think it qualifies as a movie and it just shouldn't be shown anywhere, ever.
So yeh, can't fuckin wait.
Thursday, 27 October 2011
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Robocop’s stup-wait no… Cyborg Cop?! (Review-ish)
Erm. Well. Cyborg Cop. It’s sort of a Robocop rip-off. And kind of not. And sort of a Terminator rip-off. But kind of not that either. Let me explain. It’s practically got nothing to do with Rob. The only connection is the name, but the reason I need to bring it up is the fact that the Cyborg of the title isn’t really a cop. He’s some kind of secret agent. NOT a cop. So the only reason this film is called Cyborg Cop is so that some idiots might buy it, thinking it was Robocop. So, in that sense I feel it’s connected enough to talk about in my Robocop section.
And the Terminator rip-off part? Well that’s one of the villains. In fact it’s the guy on the cover who is not, I repeat, not the cyborg cop. Just another cyborg, who’s better for the cover because he’s missing half his face so it looks more hardcore.
So now we’ve got all the misleading advertising out of the way, how is the film itself? Well… it’s not, good. It’s fun, definitely. But not for the right reasons. Basically an ex-cop’s agent brother goes missing after a dangerous mission to a Caribbean island. The ex-cop, Jack Ryan, not Alec Baldwin from Hunt for Red October, goes to the island against the agency’s wishes to find out what happened to his brother.
So, basic plot. And don’t think it gets any more engaging, everything plays out exactly as you would imagine. Bad guys try to get Jack deported then killed then he goes to their base and stops them. The Agency turn out to be evil and that’s why they didn’t want Jack to go looking into it and the main villain, lets call him, Gimli, because that’s who plays him, tries to sell his cyborg as a weapon but it doesn’t work and that whole point strand is pointless. So the point is predictable and also shit.
Are the effects good? No, of course not you idiot. At least the direction makes sense though, although it is pretty bland.
Right so characters:
Jack Ryan: He has no character except he wants to know what happened to his brother. That is his whole character.
Gimli: He is a mad power hungry scientist. John Rhys-Davies is obviously having a lot of fun but that doesn’t really excuse him from not being any good.
Jack’s brother: He didn’t have a character at the start except he adopted a son. At the end he’s turned into a cyborg, and has even less personality before turning back into himself after a 20 second chat with his brother, even though he should be completely brainwashed. Oh and he dies. But we never see his kid’s reaction, he just seems to be cool with it, because it’s happy music over the credits.
Jack’s love interest: She is… a journalist? I think that’s it. All that happens is she gets into trouble, then her and Jack quarrel, then they’re together, then she gets kidnapped, he saves her, the end. She does, nothing.
Gimli’s accomplice: He’s a posh guy who seems to be comedy relief. He is not funny.
Jack’s Caribbean friend: He’s another comedy character. He’s not funny and either the guy is a terrible actor or he just has the most racism accent ever. Or both.
The Evil Agent: He’s an evil traitor agent. That’s it, you’ve seen him like a million times before.
The People Who Want To Buy The Cyborg: They do nothing. They turn up so we can get shown the cyborg’s moves then they get killed at the end. That is all.
AND FINALLY.
THE CYBORG ON THE COVER: He is a robot. He has no personality. He walks around like a robot, so he’s not fun to watch. His skin keeps coming off but it’s clearly just rubber underneath so it looks terrible. He carries a gun about but never uses it. And he’s supposed to be indestructible but he gets defeated in every fight he has with a main character, I think three times in total. So just awful.
Really this film is terrible. Even aspect of it fails. It’s fun though. Like it’s awful film, but it’s a laugh for 90 minutes. I think if I might hate it if it’d gone on for longer though. Or if there was a sequel…
(spoiler. There is.)
2/5
And the Terminator rip-off part? Well that’s one of the villains. In fact it’s the guy on the cover who is not, I repeat, not the cyborg cop. Just another cyborg, who’s better for the cover because he’s missing half his face so it looks more hardcore.
So now we’ve got all the misleading advertising out of the way, how is the film itself? Well… it’s not, good. It’s fun, definitely. But not for the right reasons. Basically an ex-cop’s agent brother goes missing after a dangerous mission to a Caribbean island. The ex-cop, Jack Ryan, not Alec Baldwin from Hunt for Red October, goes to the island against the agency’s wishes to find out what happened to his brother.
So, basic plot. And don’t think it gets any more engaging, everything plays out exactly as you would imagine. Bad guys try to get Jack deported then killed then he goes to their base and stops them. The Agency turn out to be evil and that’s why they didn’t want Jack to go looking into it and the main villain, lets call him, Gimli, because that’s who plays him, tries to sell his cyborg as a weapon but it doesn’t work and that whole point strand is pointless. So the point is predictable and also shit.
Are the effects good? No, of course not you idiot. At least the direction makes sense though, although it is pretty bland.
Right so characters:
Jack Ryan: He has no character except he wants to know what happened to his brother. That is his whole character.
Gimli: He is a mad power hungry scientist. John Rhys-Davies is obviously having a lot of fun but that doesn’t really excuse him from not being any good.
Jack’s brother: He didn’t have a character at the start except he adopted a son. At the end he’s turned into a cyborg, and has even less personality before turning back into himself after a 20 second chat with his brother, even though he should be completely brainwashed. Oh and he dies. But we never see his kid’s reaction, he just seems to be cool with it, because it’s happy music over the credits.
Jack’s love interest: She is… a journalist? I think that’s it. All that happens is she gets into trouble, then her and Jack quarrel, then they’re together, then she gets kidnapped, he saves her, the end. She does, nothing.
Gimli’s accomplice: He’s a posh guy who seems to be comedy relief. He is not funny.
Jack’s Caribbean friend: He’s another comedy character. He’s not funny and either the guy is a terrible actor or he just has the most racism accent ever. Or both.
The Evil Agent: He’s an evil traitor agent. That’s it, you’ve seen him like a million times before.
The People Who Want To Buy The Cyborg: They do nothing. They turn up so we can get shown the cyborg’s moves then they get killed at the end. That is all.
AND FINALLY.
THE CYBORG ON THE COVER: He is a robot. He has no personality. He walks around like a robot, so he’s not fun to watch. His skin keeps coming off but it’s clearly just rubber underneath so it looks terrible. He carries a gun about but never uses it. And he’s supposed to be indestructible but he gets defeated in every fight he has with a main character, I think three times in total. So just awful.
Really this film is terrible. Even aspect of it fails. It’s fun though. Like it’s awful film, but it’s a laugh for 90 minutes. I think if I might hate it if it’d gone on for longer though. Or if there was a sequel…
(spoiler. There is.)
2/5
 |
| The DVD also inexplicably says "Cyborg Cop 1" on it. As if we'd be confused without it blatantly telling us it's the first one. |
Monday, 17 October 2011
Review: Johnny English Reborn
When I left the cinema after seeing the sequel to Johnny English I had a very odd feeling, and in fact I still have it. I felt as though I’d enjoyed the film. Now that’s not that unusual, enjoying a film, but it is when it’s a comedy and I didn’t laugh at it, in fact I think it only made me smirk about twice. But still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d had a lot of fun, and I really can’t work out why. It’s a film that although not awful is fundamentally flawed at almost every level, but still manages to escape with a strange likeability. So, although it’s not a film many people will care about the review, I feel it must be tackled, even if just to give me peace of mind. Let’s split it up into three categories which a comedy film must excel in at least one to be good: plot, characters, jokes.
PLOT
The plot is nuts. Like it’s just ridiculous. Basically it involves Johnny travelling to different places to be involved in different comedy set pieces and ignores the fact that it should also make some kind of sense. Every time he goes somewhere we meet new characters with new revelations and then they go away again either dead or never seen again. First guy, there’s a key used for an evil group, then he dies, second guy, there’s a mole in MI7, then he dies, then we meet the most obvious mole in history who persuades Johnny he’s innocent by, being trustworthy? I think it’s supposed to be a joke, but it goes on for so long and gets so strained it’s just not funny anymore. Also, Johnny saw him and has a memory that’s hidden just long enough that the plot manages to make it useless. And half of the action happens off-screen and why are they meeting the Chiense ambassador in snowy mountains and why does the wheelchair guy not realize something’s off when Johnny tells him that he thinks he’s the mole when he thinks Johnny is, and how can Johnny survive getting poisoned, he fights the mind control, but surely it should still kill him and not just bring him back with the power of love? Basically, the plot’s confusing and so full of holes that it’s more holes than plot at this stage.
CHARACTERS
There are only really five characters who are on screen for any kind of time. Johnny English, his sidekick, his boss, his love interest and the obvious mole.
Johnny English is Rowan Atkinson doing a cross between Mr Bean and Blackadder, but with kung-fu and it doesn’t work at all. He is supposedly now a master of martial arts and self control and is also a lot more mature with more put downs and sarcasm. But then he’s also an idiot who can’t see the truth in front of him, can’t remember what any of the gadgets are and doesn’t even put his trousers on the right way round and one point. Basically there seems to be two Johnny’s a smart one and a stupid one and it makes him the most inconsistent man ever. One second he’s fighting off three men at once with a chain and the next he can’t even work a chain. At least he isn’t quite as irritating as he was in the first film.
The sidekick is a naïve but keen student of Johnny’s and basically that plays out the way you’d think. He has ideas but Johnny shoots him down, but it turns out he was right and Johnny’s sorry him and he helps to save the day. The end.
His boss is an angry woman who doesn’t approve of Johnny. That’s about it.
His love interest is a scientist who’s a bit cold and initially doesn’t like Johnny but she’s charmed by him and they get together. That’s it.
The obvious mole is obviously the bad guy. It’s McNulty from The Wire hamming it up as a villain and it’s very entertaining. But he’s still just a cardboard villain.
So the characters are all just stereotypes and not even very interesting ones at that.
JOKES
Is it funny? No. The set pieces are barely jokes at all, it just seems to be Johnny English doing cool stuff. It’s fun to watch but it’s not funny. There’s a running joke of Johnny getting attacked by an old Asian woman and getting confused with her and other women, such as his boss’s mother and the Queen in the most cringe worthy ending put to film. Most of the jokes you can tell from a mile away, like the scene where Johnny looks at his gadgets and gets confused between them and you know he’ll get confused later on in a stupid circumstance. And even the other jokes are very funny, Johnny can’t work a chair in a meeting and goes up and down while they discuss serious things, it’s old, it’s predictable and it’s dull.
So in conclusion, this film has a nonsensical plot, stock characters and unfunny jokes. This makes it a complete failure as a comedy film. Therefore I should hate it. I don’t though and I think I know realise why. It’s fun. It’s not inventive or funny or doing anything interesting, but it’s got a very likeable atmosphere. It doesn’t mean to offend and it just goes along doing it’s thing and then ends. You didn’t get anything out of it, but it’s relaxing. That isn’t the aim of the film and it’s still an awful film, but just not in a way that smacks you in the face with how bad it is. Therefore, terrible film, don’t pay for it, but if it was on TV one day and there’s nothing better on, maybe give it one viewing before forgetting about it forever.
2/5
PLOT
The plot is nuts. Like it’s just ridiculous. Basically it involves Johnny travelling to different places to be involved in different comedy set pieces and ignores the fact that it should also make some kind of sense. Every time he goes somewhere we meet new characters with new revelations and then they go away again either dead or never seen again. First guy, there’s a key used for an evil group, then he dies, second guy, there’s a mole in MI7, then he dies, then we meet the most obvious mole in history who persuades Johnny he’s innocent by, being trustworthy? I think it’s supposed to be a joke, but it goes on for so long and gets so strained it’s just not funny anymore. Also, Johnny saw him and has a memory that’s hidden just long enough that the plot manages to make it useless. And half of the action happens off-screen and why are they meeting the Chiense ambassador in snowy mountains and why does the wheelchair guy not realize something’s off when Johnny tells him that he thinks he’s the mole when he thinks Johnny is, and how can Johnny survive getting poisoned, he fights the mind control, but surely it should still kill him and not just bring him back with the power of love? Basically, the plot’s confusing and so full of holes that it’s more holes than plot at this stage.
CHARACTERS
There are only really five characters who are on screen for any kind of time. Johnny English, his sidekick, his boss, his love interest and the obvious mole.
Johnny English is Rowan Atkinson doing a cross between Mr Bean and Blackadder, but with kung-fu and it doesn’t work at all. He is supposedly now a master of martial arts and self control and is also a lot more mature with more put downs and sarcasm. But then he’s also an idiot who can’t see the truth in front of him, can’t remember what any of the gadgets are and doesn’t even put his trousers on the right way round and one point. Basically there seems to be two Johnny’s a smart one and a stupid one and it makes him the most inconsistent man ever. One second he’s fighting off three men at once with a chain and the next he can’t even work a chain. At least he isn’t quite as irritating as he was in the first film.
The sidekick is a naïve but keen student of Johnny’s and basically that plays out the way you’d think. He has ideas but Johnny shoots him down, but it turns out he was right and Johnny’s sorry him and he helps to save the day. The end.
His boss is an angry woman who doesn’t approve of Johnny. That’s about it.
His love interest is a scientist who’s a bit cold and initially doesn’t like Johnny but she’s charmed by him and they get together. That’s it.
The obvious mole is obviously the bad guy. It’s McNulty from The Wire hamming it up as a villain and it’s very entertaining. But he’s still just a cardboard villain.
So the characters are all just stereotypes and not even very interesting ones at that.
JOKES
Is it funny? No. The set pieces are barely jokes at all, it just seems to be Johnny English doing cool stuff. It’s fun to watch but it’s not funny. There’s a running joke of Johnny getting attacked by an old Asian woman and getting confused with her and other women, such as his boss’s mother and the Queen in the most cringe worthy ending put to film. Most of the jokes you can tell from a mile away, like the scene where Johnny looks at his gadgets and gets confused between them and you know he’ll get confused later on in a stupid circumstance. And even the other jokes are very funny, Johnny can’t work a chair in a meeting and goes up and down while they discuss serious things, it’s old, it’s predictable and it’s dull.
So in conclusion, this film has a nonsensical plot, stock characters and unfunny jokes. This makes it a complete failure as a comedy film. Therefore I should hate it. I don’t though and I think I know realise why. It’s fun. It’s not inventive or funny or doing anything interesting, but it’s got a very likeable atmosphere. It doesn’t mean to offend and it just goes along doing it’s thing and then ends. You didn’t get anything out of it, but it’s relaxing. That isn’t the aim of the film and it’s still an awful film, but just not in a way that smacks you in the face with how bad it is. Therefore, terrible film, don’t pay for it, but if it was on TV one day and there’s nothing better on, maybe give it one viewing before forgetting about it forever.
2/5
 |
| Perfect analogy for the film. Fun for a second, and then just awful. |
Friday, 7 October 2011
The Contraversial Podcast
New podcast. It features the debut of my section Trick Lewis and Lewis's section sit eating ribs. It also involves me saying things no-one argees with me on and does not have either of us on the computer or the phone because we are so professional. Or maybe I just cut those parts. The link below SHOULD take you to the podcast which is arranged in a lovely little playlist. Or it might not work. Let me know
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYUNCDPB8MA&list=PL762B6159D9AB6745&index=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYUNCDPB8MA&list=PL762B6159D9AB6745&index=1
 |
| This is the second photo of me and Lewis ever. Enjoy. Well I say enjoy, i mean more, laugh your face off. |
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
Looks familiar...
George McFly looks like Matt Smith. I think. Maybe it's just me and Lewis. Maybe it's just his hair...
Sunday, 2 October 2011
Doctor Who Review: The Wedding of River Song
So this is it. The final episode, could it answer all the questions, could it satisfy all our expectations for the end of the series, and could it still be a good episode? Well, yes actually.
To be honest, I don't know what to think of this episode. It's very disjointed, with characters just appearing and disappearing to serve the plot. The ending is very deus ex machina, with the Teselecta just being there to save the Doctor and not much else. There's really distracting green screen of River's face into the spacesuit, plot holes like why did they keep a huge amount of silence in the pyramid instead of killing them, what's the story with the Dalek, why is it in that condition, why if the Doctor can find them that easily and they are so dangerous he doesn't do something about them, amongst other things. And there's a very obvious sense we've seen a lot of this before, the Doctor going to see his old enemies for information with the Dalek here and Cybermen in Good Man Goes To War, and the whole plot of an alien alliance thinking the Doctor is too dangerous to live so they try to put him out of the way, but something goes wrong and the whole universe is dying, aka, last series's finale. So there are a number of things I should be complaining about, reused idea and a non-cohesive story, but these are minor concerns because they barely dent the quality of the story. I mean, it's not the best story ever, but it's just so... fun.
The whole of time happening at the same time, brilliant idea, just used enough that it's mad but not too over the top. The flashback style of the story, totally works so why the world is messed up is revealed slowly and we're introduced to this mad world from the start, it's not an awkward jump when River changes her mind. The whole silence falling and why the Doctor has to die is explained more, but also simplified, so it isn't as cringeworthy as I found it in Lets Kill Hitler and hiding the question until the end of the episode gave a real sense that the Doctor might actually be accepting his fate. The scene in the bar where the Doctor shows the Dalek eye, shows how scary they still are and how much worse he must be to have it. The mentions of Jack and... Rose were nice, showing this is a continuation of the David Tennant stories, since most of the time they never seem to mention events or people from them, even though I do hate Rose. And the scene about the Brigadier's death was touching and very well handled, a fitting tribute to the excellant Nicolas Courtney and working well in the story. I could go on listing all the great moments, like the return of Dorium and... no, stop it. You get the idea, this episode is just filled with great scene after great scene. The characters are engaging, even small parts like "the viking chess guy" were funny and well used , the main cast get to play with their roles a bit and have fun, theres the return of old favourites for small parts, like Churchill and Dickens, and even Madame Kovarian isn't quite as annoying, because now she's powerless she can't chew the scenary as much saying how she's so great and the Doctor will die and the like.
But obviously the main heart of the episode is the relationship of the Doctor and River. And much as she's annoyed me before, here they were brilliant, Matt Smith giving a great performance as a Doctor who seemed to have given up and Alex Kingston as a heartbroken lover. They work off each other as a great double act, funny and moving at the same time. The climax scene was amazing with the moving revelation of the lives the Doctor has touched and then the marriage and then the apparent death of the Doctor. But as always the show must go on and the Doctor's plan is both expected and very surprising at the same time. Next year are we going to go back to the classic approach of the Doctor just as a stranger who appears and helps people and less of a god and legend as he appears to be becoming. And will we find out the answer to the question, the genius question, so simple, but brilliant of "Doctor Who?". Who knows, but this episode really put me in a mood to see more.
So, yes, it's a brilliant episode, the plot is insane but in a good way, the characters are interesting and well rounded, the direction is amazing and just the whole thing is a huge adventure. It's the series finale we're used to, but it's definately one of the best. It's a fitting ending of a series, with the except of Black Spot and Lets Kill Hitler has been consistantly great and one of, if not the best of the revived series. I just can't wait to see what happens next.
5/5
To be honest, I don't know what to think of this episode. It's very disjointed, with characters just appearing and disappearing to serve the plot. The ending is very deus ex machina, with the Teselecta just being there to save the Doctor and not much else. There's really distracting green screen of River's face into the spacesuit, plot holes like why did they keep a huge amount of silence in the pyramid instead of killing them, what's the story with the Dalek, why is it in that condition, why if the Doctor can find them that easily and they are so dangerous he doesn't do something about them, amongst other things. And there's a very obvious sense we've seen a lot of this before, the Doctor going to see his old enemies for information with the Dalek here and Cybermen in Good Man Goes To War, and the whole plot of an alien alliance thinking the Doctor is too dangerous to live so they try to put him out of the way, but something goes wrong and the whole universe is dying, aka, last series's finale. So there are a number of things I should be complaining about, reused idea and a non-cohesive story, but these are minor concerns because they barely dent the quality of the story. I mean, it's not the best story ever, but it's just so... fun.
The whole of time happening at the same time, brilliant idea, just used enough that it's mad but not too over the top. The flashback style of the story, totally works so why the world is messed up is revealed slowly and we're introduced to this mad world from the start, it's not an awkward jump when River changes her mind. The whole silence falling and why the Doctor has to die is explained more, but also simplified, so it isn't as cringeworthy as I found it in Lets Kill Hitler and hiding the question until the end of the episode gave a real sense that the Doctor might actually be accepting his fate. The scene in the bar where the Doctor shows the Dalek eye, shows how scary they still are and how much worse he must be to have it. The mentions of Jack and... Rose were nice, showing this is a continuation of the David Tennant stories, since most of the time they never seem to mention events or people from them, even though I do hate Rose. And the scene about the Brigadier's death was touching and very well handled, a fitting tribute to the excellant Nicolas Courtney and working well in the story. I could go on listing all the great moments, like the return of Dorium and... no, stop it. You get the idea, this episode is just filled with great scene after great scene. The characters are engaging, even small parts like "the viking chess guy" were funny and well used , the main cast get to play with their roles a bit and have fun, theres the return of old favourites for small parts, like Churchill and Dickens, and even Madame Kovarian isn't quite as annoying, because now she's powerless she can't chew the scenary as much saying how she's so great and the Doctor will die and the like.
But obviously the main heart of the episode is the relationship of the Doctor and River. And much as she's annoyed me before, here they were brilliant, Matt Smith giving a great performance as a Doctor who seemed to have given up and Alex Kingston as a heartbroken lover. They work off each other as a great double act, funny and moving at the same time. The climax scene was amazing with the moving revelation of the lives the Doctor has touched and then the marriage and then the apparent death of the Doctor. But as always the show must go on and the Doctor's plan is both expected and very surprising at the same time. Next year are we going to go back to the classic approach of the Doctor just as a stranger who appears and helps people and less of a god and legend as he appears to be becoming. And will we find out the answer to the question, the genius question, so simple, but brilliant of "Doctor Who?". Who knows, but this episode really put me in a mood to see more.
So, yes, it's a brilliant episode, the plot is insane but in a good way, the characters are interesting and well rounded, the direction is amazing and just the whole thing is a huge adventure. It's the series finale we're used to, but it's definately one of the best. It's a fitting ending of a series, with the except of Black Spot and Lets Kill Hitler has been consistantly great and one of, if not the best of the revived series. I just can't wait to see what happens next.
5/5
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