Dr Who: Watch this!

Watch this. Even if you've never thought about watching Doctor Who before, you have to. It looks insane. I know this is a shameless plug for the BBC, but I just love it.

"Fear me, I've killed hundreds of Timelords."
"Fear me. I've killed all of them."

Tune in 23rd April. And check here later to see if I think it's lived up to the trailer.

Turning 18

It was my birthday yesterday. It was alright, I saw it in with a trip to the union where I smoked a cigar, saw a fat Ruari Waugh, got beat at pool and beat up Ali Rae. The rest of the day I was in a sort of half hungover, half unconcious stupor and things happened but I didn't really experiance them, they were just... there.

But that's not the point, I've got more nights out to come. The point is that it was my 18th birthday. I became a man. I can drink, smoke, gamble and get arrested. I'm an adult now. And how have I spent my first day, playing games. I feel like I should be out doing something adult, like working or paying taxes. But luckily I'm not.

My gran asked me how it felt to be 18. People ask me this every year, and every year I say no different. But just this one year I hoped something would click. Like I'd suddenly feel all grown up, and know what I was up to. But no, I'm still just an idiot fucking about making just over minimum wage so I can buy myself films, games and alcohol. Nothing's changed, except maybe I'm a bit more dour. It doesn't even feel like I've had A birthday. Maybe because now I've left school I have no idea what time of year it is. Every week's the same, I ain't preparing for exams or waiting for holidays. That isn't a bad thing, it just means I'm a bit lost. Maybe it's cause I've been doing everything adult for years, drinking since 2007, smoking since 2009, never id'd since early 2010. The most recent time i got id'd was yesterday. On my 18th. And the shit thing was.... I didn't have id.


Oh well, my stupid procrastinating continues. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Well I would, but whatever. Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. I was tempted to do a blog on the fad for saying happy birthday even if you don't know the person, but I should just be grateful anyone said it to me. So thank you. And heres to adulthood. And The View's new album. I love it.

Robocop 3's stupid... FUCKIN NINJAS.

I don’t know what to say. This film blew my mind. It was just so stupid, I don’t think there are words for it. The robot ninjas aren’t even the worst part. Well, maybe they are. But they’re not the only bad bit. Let me explain in a list or I’ll just ramble like a maniac.

THE TOP 10 STUPIDEST THINGS IN ROBOCOP 3

10. Ignoring the last 2 films storyline.
This one’s a small point, but it just annoys me. The last two films were all about the police being on strike. In this one, they weren’t. And there is not one line of explanation. You just have to accept it. Oh and right at the end of the last film Rob tells us he’s gonna get the evil boss of OCP. This film... he’s not in it.

9. Rob’s partner’s killed.
Rob joins a team of rebels against OCP because OCP kill his partner. And it’s supposed to be a kid friendly film, I have no idea why they killed her. Maybe she was just so disgusted by being in this film she had to escape somehow.

8. Agent Z
The boss of the bad guys is Z from Men in Black. That’s all I can say. He’s Z. I can’t handle him as anyone else, I keep expecting him to get a phone call from Michael Jackson.

7. Cops walking out
The cops get asked to throw people out of their homes. So instead of doing something sensible like telling Z to fuck himself and keep doing their jobs, they go off and fight alongside the rebels in a street war.  I think having a big gunfight in the street MIGHT be illegal. They should know, they’re the cops. Who were they fighting, well...

6. Nazis
Yep. Z gets mercenaries to work for him. But... they’re just Nazis in beige. You can’t deny it. Just look at this guy:

He is clearly a bond villain. Sorry McDaggett, you’re in the wrong film. Sean Connery’s in the next studio.

5. Girl who can hack ED-209
For some reason this is a kids film, maybe to sell toys. But as anyone who isn’t very good at film making knows, every kids film needs a kid who’s smarter than the adults. So we have a little girl who can hack computers. And she just happens to bump into the rebels. And she makes the bad-ass robot ED-209 from the first film, say he’s loyal as a puppy and do whatever she tells it to. I could explain how this is so wrong and ruins the scare of ED and a little girl CANT hack one of the highest tech pieces of equipment the bad guys have... but I’d rather just say the girl reminds me of Anakin Skywalker. An annoying child who’s only there to appeal to kids, but they hate him too cause he’s a dick.

4. Punks
Rob is in the streets and he gets attacked by a gang. Who are punks. Which is ok, punks can be gangs. But seriously, these guys are fucking out of their minds. And rob takes it. He just stands there and lets them set him on fire without any resistance. It’s one of the most awkward action scenes ever. Go watch it:
Yeh. It’s in French.

3. Rob with a jetpack
This is where I have to stop making any kind of comments. I’m sorry but... There is nothing to say. These last 3 are just so stupid I can only show you them and hope you understand how ridiculous they really are. Here’s a picture of Robocop flying. He also has a gun that can fire a smart bomb. I’m dumbfounded.

2. Rob driving a pimpmobile
This is funny. I think it was meant to be. So I think I can just about forgive it. It’s still unbelievably stupid and out of place in a Robocop so it’s definitely number 2. But, you have to laugh when you see Robocop driving a pimpmobile in a car chase, so at least it entertained me.
Skip to 3.40 in this video to watch Rob have an argument with a pimp. Don’t watch the whole video, you might kill yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbbuevgWKiM

1. Robot Ninjas
Robocop was a great film. Robocop 2 was not bad. But 3 killed the franchise. It meant there was never a fourth film and I can never really watch the first two again without thinking of that time Rob fought a robot ninja. A fucking robot ninja. It’s Robocop vs a Ninja. Well, not just a Ninja a fucking Robot Ninja. I don’t think it can get any more stupid. I feel like my brain has died. There is nothing to say. This film is irredeemably stupid. It’s just... FUCKIN NINJAS. There is no more to say.

Oh, and Anakin girl can hack them too. I fucking hate this film.

Robocop 2's Stupid. Very Stupid.

Oh Rob. You reeled me in with your first film, and then gave me Robocop 2. It’s good, I know, but it’s like taking me to an expensive restaurant, showing me all the fancy food then giving me an angus burger from BK. It’s still good, but it’s a disappointment. And it’s stupid.
But, this isn’t about my feelings for Rob 2. No, it’s the stupidity you’ve come for! And there’s plenty to go around.  The plot is, evil businesswoman wants to replace Rob, with a new model. Rob gets almost killed and she’s given him to fix. Instead of finishing him off which would’ve been the smart thing to do, she gives him hundreds of commands that drive him insane. But 5 minutes of Rob acting like an idiot later, he electrocutes himself, and he’s back to the way he was. It was difficult, and her  stupid plan fails, leaving no trace, except the impression it was only there to pad a film that was too short.
And the woman’s bigger stupid mistake: Robocop 2. This is him:

Fuckin A. He looks bad-ass. Buuuuuuuut. At the start of the film we see previous Rob 2’s have failed cause they go mental. Rob only worked because of his sense of duty and will to survive. So who ends up in Rob 2? Another policeman? A soldier maybe, that’d be interesting, maybe they’d be too violent and that would... Oh no, that isn’t what happened. They got a drug addict. I have no idea why. There’s some bullshit about him being good for the job cause he really wants to live. But that’s shit. Oh, and remember those commands she gave Rob? Well none to Rob 2. He can kill anyone he wants, he doesn’t have any programming to stop him just doing whatever he wants. They could do that, they did it to Rob... but it would make too much sense here so no. Instead, to keep him under their control they supply him with drugs. And he knows they have them, and he’s the most powerful machine they have, they have no defensive from him... You see where I’m going here? The woman is a complete idiot. And I had no sympathy for her when Rob 2 turned on her, I knew it was coming a mile away.

Oh, and stupidest part of the whole thing? Rob 2 didnt need the whole head of the druggie. It just needed his brain, spinal cord and eyes. And it looks like this:



ohhhhhhhhh dear.

Robocop's Stupid. Very Stupid.

Robocop's a good film. I'm not going to say it's bad, it's one of my favourites. That doesn't mean I can't say it's stupid. But the concept of a cop who was killed and brought back to life as a cyborg is a bit ridiculous, but it's pulled off really well. The characters are good except for a black guy which I can't tell whether he's the comic relief or not because he is just SO camp, it's unreal. He's like the Graham Norton of Detroit. Except black. If it was made now, he'd probably be played by Chris Rock.

No this title's mainly so I can make blogs called Robocop 2's Stupid and Robocop 3's so stupid it has Robot Ninjas in it! without people thinking they've missed the first part. Robocop is not that stupid. It has a robot that falls down some stairs then shrieks like a squashed cat, but somehow it's still not stupid. EXCEPT, one moment.

The criminals are chasing Robocup of tea. One tries to run him over then crashes into a tank of toxic waste. And he doesn't die, instead he immediately changes into this:

WHAT THE FUCK. This film acts totally real, then pulls this mofucka on us! That must've been some serious shit he got on him. He then stumbles about shouting "HELP ME" and too right, he certainly needs help, I think he's got lost from a completely different film. And no-one mentions the toxic waste before, so this comes completely out of nowhere, and he dies about a minute after, and is never mentioned again. No movie. You don't get to pull that shit and think we'll just accept it. EXPLAIN YO'SELF.



But to be honest. It's funny, and it doesn't ruin the film, just makes it a bit stupid. Unlike whats to come in parts 2 and 3. Fuckin Robot Ninjas.

TABLE MANNERS: Come and watch!

TABLE MANNERS by Alan Ayckbourn. On at the Monifieth Theatre (behind the bus stop at the top of Tay Street in Monifieth) at half 7 on the 17th,18th,19th and the 24th,25th,26th of March.

Sarah and Reg arrive at mum's house for the weekend so that invalid mum's care-giver, Reg's sister Annie, can get away for the weekend. But Annie ends up staying, their brother-in-law Norman shows up unexpectedly, and not long after, so does Norman's wife Ruth (Annie and Reg's sister). Sarah tries her best to organize a family dinner for the five of them plus Tom, a slow-witted neighbor whom everyone expects to propose to Annie. Sarah can't get much cooperation and doesn't realize that Annie had planned to sneak off with Norman. Norman is incorrigible, Annie is caught between Tom and a fling, mum is upstairs demanding attention, and there aren't six proper chairs.
That sound any good? Well expect it to be even better, cause the cast is:

Norman - Sean Dowling
Annie - Sarah Ramsay
Sarah - Nicky Stewart
Tom - Gareth Barton
Ruth - Ann Sutherland

and, of course me. So come along one and all, sit, watch and remember your table manners.



That was an awful pun that doesn't make sense. I'm sorry.

On a happier note, i'm about to die.

Sorry for the bleakness of my last post, but sometime the chinese being closed really just gets to me. Anyway, I thought I'd cheer you all up from the brink of sucide with the news that me and Lewis Bage are about to watch what could very possibly be the worst film I've ever heard of.

It's called "An Ants Life". It's a rip-off of A Bugs Life. Which in itself wasn't all that good, and really didn't need ripped off. Now, I know nothing more about this film, so why would i say it's going to be the worst film ever. The cover:

Now you see why I think that. Oh well, don't judge a dvd by it's cover, I'm away to watch it. Maybe i'll have to eat humble pie. But I doubt it. If i survive, I'll let you know.

Ps. I found a hair under my eyelid. A long one, like you'd have on your head. Any explanation?


For some reason this didn't post properly the first time I told it to on facebook. Seriously Blogger, whatcha playing at.

Shite Nights Out.

I just got back to my house. I've not had a good night.
A night out should be fun, it should involve everyone having a laugh getting wasted and going home at half 4 the next afternoon. But I keep being faced with another sort of night out. The one caused by me having to go home early for work the next day.

It starts off with the before out drinking. It's good, and actually gets you in the mood to go out. But then it starts fucking up when you hit the pub. Everyone else is drinking, and they seem to be having more and more fun while you stay the same. This begins to make you think you're having a bad time and before long you can't stand to be around all these people having fun while you're miserable so you make your excuses and leave. Then you reach the bus stop. And there is NEVER a bus. Whatever time you get out the pub, by this late at night there is never a bus for about half an hour. So you start to shiver with the cold and get really bored cause you havent even brought anything to entertain yourself, because you hoped you would betray work and go out. But you haven't so you're stuck. The bus stop fills up with people and all of them start to annoy you. There's the freaks who just hang around in town on their own at this time, giving you creepy stares. Theres the people just finished work, who transfer their stress and just make you more annoyed. And worst of all there's the folk who've gone to the pub early and are wasted on the bus. They shout at each other and laugh and joke, and fuck off. I'm having a shit time, stop being so happy. It just makes me angry.

So the bus arrives and you get on. So theres still the annoying dickheads bothering you, but it's really boring sitting on a bus alone. So you get your phone out and start texting people you dont talk to normally, or your ex, or just people you shouldnt text. The bus arrives at your stop and the one beacon of hope, the chinese, where you can get chips (an instant remedy) is closed. So you have to trudge up the road alone in the dark with no food and nothing to do, just getting steadily less bothered before you stop in the middle of the street and wonder why you should bother to carry on and not just sit on the ground and sleep there. And you wonder if the night was worth it. And the answer is always no.

ps. replace you with me and this was my night tonight. the emotions are still pretty raw.

Scotland Vs England

Recently people’ve liking all sorts of things on facebook like “dear England, we have irn bru. Fuck you” or “dear Scotland, we have London. Fuck yer iron brew”. And I love it.
                I think everyone should have national pride. You should be able to admit the flaws of your country, unlike most Americans who seem to have the impression that their country is perfect in every way. But you should still think that the country you come from, however shite, is the best country. I’ve always felt this way and I’m not sure why. I’ve never really been brought up in a particularly Scottish way, and I think it’s more to do with me having odd loyalty issues. I love Dundee. It’s my favourite city I’ve ever been to. I’ve been to bigger, busier cities, but they don’t  impress me, Dundee’s still the best. I used to be very protective of KFC when I worked there, but now I’ve left I couldn’t care less. I’m not sure exactly why, but I feel that it’s fine for me to slag things I’m part of, but not for someone else to. I’m proud of where I come from, cause I genuinely believe that even though it has many faults, Scotland is the greatest country in the world.
                England however is a different matter, it’s Scotland’s nearest competition. And because of that we’ve always have rivalry. And I think the level it’s reached now is healthy. We don’t have wars, or massive fights. We just slag each other off and act like we hate each other, when if we actually visit the other country it’s not that bad. Not that I’d ever tell those wankers that. But it’s fun, and it’s good to have a bit of national rivalry alive, keep our pride alive.
                Which brings me to the point. I say I hate the English who are slagging off Scotland. But I don’t really. In fact, I respect them for having the same commitment to their country as I do to mine. What I hate are the fuckers who say stuff like:
                1)Irn Bru is sold in England too, so England and Scotland both have access to it,
                2)English people don't speak in posh accents, in fact lots of them barely pass as literate,
                3)Coffee is the most popular hot beverage in England, not tea
                4)No matter where an inventor comes from, it's their idea, not their country's
                5)Every country has its flaws, no country is perfect
                6)While we've been arguing about whether Scotland or England is better, we should have been abusing FranceSeriously? Are you so afraid of a little fight? Oh, lets all be friends in the UK. Fuck off. The English have tried to invade Scotland many times, and the UK government is always screwing over the Scottish people because the main members of it are posh English folk who couldn’t care less about us (example: poll tax). Oh and don’t even get me started on the sort of coverage of sporting events, like when on the fucking news they told me to get behind my national England squad. Erm, forget about anyone? So I feel a little disappointed when people can’t get themselves excited to fly the Saltire and sing Flower of Scotland. Talking of which, both national athems of Scotland and England have verses about us fighting each other. If we start to accept the English then soon we’ll be one big worldwide country, where there are no longer separate traditions and everywhere is all exactly the same. So just to finish off, let me answer the comment above with my answers that explain how great my country is:
1)Irn Bru is sold in England too, so England and Scotland both have access to it,
2)English people don't speak in posh accents, in fact lots of them barely pass as literate,
3)Coffee is the most popular hot beverage in England, not tea
4)No matter where an inventor comes from, it's their idea, not their country's
5)Every country has its flaws, no country is perfect
6)While we've been arguing about whether Scotland or England is better, we should have been abusing the French.
So in conclusion: I love Scotland. It’s the best country. If you disagree and love England, then you’re an idiot. But at least you have an opinion instead of being an apathetic dickhead who thinks they’re above all this. We all have our traditions. I just like Irn Bru, Haggis, shortbread and the PROPER Auld Lang Syne.

                                                                  Yeah, I’m not over that. Fuck Mariah Carey.

Enter the Matrix: Review

Bit late, it's been up for a few days now, but heres the link to my review of Enter the Matrix hosted on Let the Wookie Win. Check it out, and check out the rest of the site too while you're at it.

http://www.ltww.co.uk/reviews-enterthematrix.html




Also, happy birthday lewis bage, my only follower on blogger. If you want a birthday shout out like this, follow me. You know you want to.

It's Back. And Better Than Ever.

Poundcorner is back. Coming up some pound classics such as:

Crack Dog
Principles of Karma
Shogun Assassin
Armageddon/Redline/Deadline
Bloodfist
Doctor Who: Resurrection of the Daleks


and Spiderman 2?! Why's that in poundland?

First episode up before the end of march.

Bullying... Nah, Toilets and Coke.

I wanted to write about the fight currently happening on my facebook about a boy why some people hate and some just feel sorry for. I would've gone on about bullying and how he reminds me of people in my work, that you can laugh at what they do, but you shouldnt laugh at them, cause it's mean.

But then I remembered I amn't serious enough to do a post like that. And also I signed a confidentiality form at the weekend so I'm not allowed to talk about my work to anyone. Oops. I think I've told a story about one of the "clients" to everyone I've met since I started working. But I can change and I'll start by not discussing them on my blog.

So instead, a short thought. I've been playing Max Payne, and I noticed something that's always bothered me in PS2 games. It's not exactly a problem, it just confuses me. In loads of games for the PS2, my favourite console, you can search through linear levels into some side rooms. Most of them have ammo or health in them, but in practically every game, you can go into the toilets. Nothing wrong with that, maybe there's health in there. No. Nothing. In all these games there is never anything in the bathroom. You can go in, kick open the stalls, and there's never any hidden enemies, or anything to collect. It's just always confused me why they would bother to program a room that has exactly no purpose. It does nothing but cause them more work. Maybe they have a disgusting toilet fetish?          well that can't be it. Cause in some of the same games they make working vending machines. You press action next to one, and it drops you out a can of... something (it's the ps2, you cant see what the can is, what do you expect?). And the can doesnt give you health, you cant pick it up. It's just sort of... there. Hmmmmmmm. As the laziest man alive this makes no sense to me. Obviously game designers are workaholics and also incredibly boring.
Game Designer 1: I'm bored, wanna go make some extra shit in our game?
Game Designer 2: Cool man, sounds fun.
GD 1: We could make another fight scene, or make the explosions look better.
GD2: NAH. Fuck that. I'm making a toilet.
GD1: Woah, that's crazy. But fuck you, i'ma make a vending machine!
GD2: Do you need money for it?
GD1: Nah. PEOPLE NOT PROFIT.