Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Robocop’s stup-wait no… Cyborg Cop?! (Review-ish)

Erm. Well. Cyborg Cop. It’s sort of a Robocop rip-off. And kind of not. And sort of a Terminator rip-off. But kind of not that either. Let me explain. It’s practically got nothing to do with Rob. The only connection is the name, but the reason I need to bring it up is the fact that the Cyborg of the title isn’t really a cop. He’s some kind of secret agent. NOT a cop. So the only reason this film is called Cyborg Cop is so that some idiots might buy it, thinking it was Robocop. So, in that sense I feel it’s connected enough to talk about in my Robocop section.
And the Terminator rip-off part? Well that’s one of the villains. In fact it’s the guy on the cover who is not, I repeat, not the cyborg cop. Just another cyborg, who’s better for the cover because he’s missing half his face so it looks more hardcore.
So now we’ve got all the misleading advertising out of the way, how is the film itself? Well… it’s not, good. It’s fun, definitely. But not for the right reasons. Basically an ex-cop’s agent brother goes missing after a dangerous mission to a Caribbean island. The ex-cop, Jack Ryan, not Alec Baldwin from Hunt for Red October, goes to the island against the agency’s wishes to find out what happened to his brother.
So, basic plot. And don’t think it gets any more engaging, everything plays out exactly as you would imagine. Bad guys try to get Jack deported then killed then he goes to their base and stops them. The Agency turn out to be evil and that’s why they didn’t want Jack to go looking into it and the main villain, lets call him, Gimli, because that’s who plays him, tries to sell his cyborg as a weapon but it doesn’t work and that whole point strand is pointless. So the point is predictable and also shit.
Are the effects good? No, of course not you idiot. At least the direction makes sense though, although it is pretty bland.
Right so characters:
Jack Ryan: He has no character except he wants to know what happened to his brother. That is his whole character.
Gimli: He is a mad power hungry scientist. John Rhys-Davies is obviously having a lot of fun but that doesn’t really excuse him from not being any good.
Jack’s brother: He didn’t have a character at the start except he adopted a son. At the end he’s turned into a cyborg, and has even less personality before turning back into himself after a 20 second chat with his brother, even though he should be completely brainwashed. Oh and he dies. But we never see his kid’s reaction, he just seems to be cool with it, because it’s happy music over the credits.
Jack’s love interest: She is… a journalist? I think that’s it. All that happens is she gets into trouble, then her and Jack quarrel, then they’re together, then she gets kidnapped, he saves her, the end. She does, nothing.
Gimli’s accomplice: He’s a posh guy who seems to be comedy relief. He is not funny.
Jack’s Caribbean friend: He’s another comedy character. He’s not funny and either the guy is a terrible actor or he just has the most racism accent ever. Or both.
The Evil Agent: He’s an evil traitor agent. That’s it, you’ve seen him like a million times before.
The People Who Want To Buy The Cyborg: They do nothing. They turn up so we can get shown the cyborg’s moves then they get killed at the end. That is all.

THE CYBORG ON THE COVER: He is a robot. He has no personality. He walks around like a robot, so he’s not fun to watch. His skin keeps coming off but it’s clearly just rubber underneath so it looks terrible. He carries a gun about but never uses it. And he’s supposed to be indestructible but he gets defeated in every fight he has with a main character, I think three times in total. So just awful.

Really this film is terrible. Even aspect of it fails. It’s fun though. Like it’s awful film, but it’s a laugh for 90 minutes.  I think if I might hate it if it’d gone on for longer though. Or if there was a sequel…

(spoiler. There is.)

The DVD also inexplicably says "Cyborg Cop 1" on it. As if we'd be
confused without it blatantly telling us it's the first one.

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