Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Holy Shit. There's a Cyborg Cop III... review.

So finally the last Cyborg Cop film. I feel I was a bit harsh on the original. At least it had an FBI agent who got turned into a cyborg. I complained at the time he wasn’t really a cop. Well this movie has two federal marshals, who aren’t technically cops, and neither of them are at any point cyborgs. It should have been called ‘Cyborgs and sort-of Cops’ but that doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. Luckily we get an alternate title, a sure sign of a shitty movie, which is… Terminal Impact. Why? Is it because of the one scene of the cyborg being used a car crash dummy? Well, that’s lovely and all but it doesn’t have anything to do with the film as a whole.

This film unfortunately doesn’t have our old favourite David Bradley in it. In fact the only connection with the previous films is it has cops and a cyborg and it’s called Cyborg Cop. Seriously that’s it. Luckily we have our two new cop stars. One is called Saint and that’s literally his entire character except for a joke about how he learnt to fly in a book, except it goes on so long that it’s either unbelievably unfunny, or it wasn’t a joke and he’s actually meant to have learnt from a book, which is just dumb. And the other is an idiot. That’s all I have to say about him. He keeps wanting to eat ‘tootsie rolls’, there’s a running joke about people slagging off his mother and him getting annoyed and he keeps just being generally childish, stupid and obnoxious. Then there’s Miss Generic Reporter Woman who falls for the idiot in one scene after never showing any interesting before. And to round it off we have our evil boss who’s trying to act like someone, but I can’t think who, all I know is he’s doing it badly and our cyborg. And the cyborg is rubbish. One, we never see any machinery, he could just be a tough man, I mean Cyborg Cop I looked a bit plastic, but at least it showed some of the machine part, this has about two shots of the insides before skin repairs on top and the rest is just a man in funny clothes. And two, the cyborgs aren’t very tough. Like one gets a car dropped on it and a few get blown up, one even drops his gun which is then used to kill it immediately. So rubbish cyborgs.

Also, the whole thing doesn’t make any sense. Like at one point the reporter is knocked out and wakes up at an evil doctor’s. This sets up her being turned into a cyborg later, I think. But I’m not very sure. It seems to be pointless. Also the businessman lets her see the cyborgs pretending they are actually just men with radiation drugs. Then he lets her hang out in her office, and she finds out what he’s really doing. What is his plan? If it’s to kill her/turn her into a cyborg, why show her round? If it’s to make her think he’s a legitimate businessman, why leave her in the office when you have secrets in there, and why conduct a trial of the cyborg’s gun fighting abilities while she’s still there (which he does). And even if she bought it for a bit, surely people would become suspicious when the drugs never arrived. It’s not like his plan is to take over the world, it’s just to sell the cyborgs as weapons. Oh, never mind. Why am I expecting it to make sense, have I not watched the first two films?

So basically: plot makes no sense, actors can’t act, characters are ridiculous, cyborg is rubbish, effects are bad and direction is bland. So, it’s shit. It doesn’t even have David Bradley in it, cause he’s clearly the star of the Cyborg Cop franchise. Now you’d think I’d be finished with Robocop rip-offs. And I would be. If someone hadn’t disguised one as a Terminator rip-off. Back next with: TC-2000. Fuck.

Because clearly this is a quality movie when it runs out of pictures from itself on the first page of a google image search.

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