Tuesday, 7 June 2011

The Wii U might be the worst idea I've ever heard.

I posted on facebook about my dislike of the wii u. But then I explained myself terribly. So after another viewing of the launch video I now have a proper argument as to why this is a terrible idea and no-one should buy it and definately not be looking forward to it.

The Wii U has two screens, one being a screen you look at while pressing buttons that affect what happens on said screen, and the other which is touchscreen that you can draw on or press allowing for more than one set of controls or inventory screen, or various uses. That sounds familiar. Oh wait, it's the exact description of the DS. But let's not be too quick to call this an uninventive non-portable awkward DS. Maybe it's got some interesting new features. So, lets look at the trailer and look at all the many uses this wonderful new piece of tech has. And then take them apart one by one.

1. Switch from the TV to the new controller
The trailer shows a man coming in and wanting to watch the tv, so the gamer switches from using the tv to the controller's inbuilt screen. Well aside from the fact that if you have enough money to buy a Wii U, you'd think you'd be able to watch TV in one room and game in another, theres a major problem. If he switches to the controller screen, then what was on it before? Was it just black, or the same image as on the TV? If it was either of them then playing the game on the TV to begin with just means you're playing a game on the TV, like you would with the current wii, but just with a huge awkward controller. If on the other hand he was playing a game which had different displays on the TV and the controller, then where does what the controller was showing go when he switches the TV's display to it's screen. Does it just disappear and mean you have to press start to see it, like on a normal game on any normal console? Or does it come out on a secret third screen? Nah, that last one was a joke. But it still wouldnt surprise me in the level of nuts this is, if that was true.

2. Draw on the new controller
This is just a blatant rip-off of the DS. Which is odd, considering it's Nintendo ripping off themselves. But any drawing required ingame could easily be done with a wii remote as it's motion controls should allow basic drawing. And the drawing as shown in the video, like drawing as art, would be far easier and allow a real copy if you just got a couple of pencils and a bit of paper. I'm not saying this feature is particularly BAD, it's just when you get beaten by your last generation of console and a writing impliment invented in 1565, then it can hardly be called good.

3. Play only on the new controller

Well this is just stupid. If you were only meant to play on the new controller without the TV then it should have just been a handheld console. But since you need to be close to the wii 2 base console, then it's non-portable. And what is the point in a non-portable handheld? Well, there isn't one. You might as well go buy a DS and you'll have saved yourself a lot of money and shame. Also I like how the game they choose to show in this clips is a variant on Othello, a board game I have in my house, which is more fun to play with real pieces, and has already been made into a video game on the Atari 2600. Very new.

4. Use motion to control with the new controller

It's the wii's motion control again, except instead of a small box the size of a tv remote, you have to use a tablet bigger than the ipad to control it. This is a step backwards. Oh, but you can look through it at the tv screen. Well on the wii you didn't have to look through it, because it wasn't the size of a fucking house. You could look round it, by tilting your head about a centimetre. Whatever anyone says I will be never be convinced this is an improvement. They've just made it the same motion control as they already had but with a more awkward controller than when they tried motion control on the 3DS.

5. Get new views with the new controller.

If you want to see what's happening in a part of the screen you're not looking at in a game, then turn your character to turn and look. Don't turn and look in real life. It means you cant look at both screens and also it makes you look like an idiot. Like the shooting head game on the 3DS that makes you look inexplicably stupid. Also, the trailer shows this feature in that you can see the ball on the ground in wii golf. Which you don't need to see to play the game at all. In fact if you were really playing this game I don't think you'd look at the ball once. So, pointless gimmickery.

6. Stay fit with the new controller.

From what I can tell this is just playing wii fit, but instead of looking at the tv screen, you look at the new controller. I don't get it. What's so much infinitely better at looking at the little screen instead of a bigger and better tv?

7. Take aim with the new controller.

Again, what's wrong with just aiming with a normal wii remote? In this video, the only advantage seems to be it's zoomed in more than on the tv. But I've zoomed in on my ps3 and I don't have a second tv attacted to my controller. No, I just have a zoom button. Far simpler and easier and also less likely for you to drop the new controller and break it, making your wii u useless. Until you buy a new controller, which i'm sure would be really cheap with an inbuilt screen...

8. Play across your new controller and TV.

So from the trailer it looks like you just move your hand on the new screen and it affects the big screen. Pretty much it looks like motion control, except moving a hand across a screen instead of moving your whole body, so I'm sure that'll be fun. Maybe this feature will be used to have a map or an inventory screen on the new controller. Well if so, then let me remind you, inventory screens mean you have to take your attention off the game, so it's better just to put one on a pause menu. And maps can be either on a pause menu or at the corner of the screen like they are in games on every single console except the DS and Wii U. So I hardly think this gimmick justifies buying the console.

9. Make video calls with the new controller.

I can do this on my computer. People have phones that can do this. I don't agree with video calling in general. And the people doing it in this trailer look like the biggest douches on the planet. This is not interesting or new.

10. Browse with the new controller.

Every console can browse the internet. Hell, even the 3DS is meant to be able to do it. Looking at the brower through the new controller is like looking at your computer monitor through a magnifying glass. Sure you can do it, but it's pointless and ridiculous.

11. Share from the new controller to the TV.

If you want to show something to people, say "hey guys look at this, give me a second to find it". Then you can look it up on the browser on the TV and it's not a problem to anyone. If on the other hand you are sitting in the corner like a loser, like the gamer seems to be doing in this video, and then send something while the rest of the people actually having fun are watching something else, then you're just asking for trouble. All I see this being used for is to annoy people. Maybe you're watching the TV then your brother sends you a video of a parrot and you miss your program. You're not going to laugh, you'll be pissed.

12. Get more detail with the new controller.

This is the fact that the graphics are improved from the wii. And they are improved to... the standard of the other consoles of the wii's generation. This is not a great thing, it's just fixing a problem the wii had. It's not doing anything better than anyone else.

So basically, it's a bunch of ideas from different Nintendo products stuck together into one console. Nothing is new, everything has either been done better before or is a pointless gimmick that is more trouble that it's worth. And half of things are both. Maybe you agree with me. Or maybe you think you can change my mind, and to be honest, I'd be glad for you to try. But you won't. Then the wii u will released and you'll buy it. And you'll either be incredibly disappointed, or you'll blind yourself from all the flaws, get taken for a fool by the money grabbing Nintendoeons and just be happy with your new toy, you fanboy.


  1. Weak review, and your format needs looking at, it's nausea inducing.

  2. You can't just say weak review because you disagree.

    and i've changed it to white, and i think it's immediately better.