Tuesday, 9 August 2011

I hate Braveheart and if you're Scottish, you should too.

I fucking hate Braveheart. Lets just get that out of the way. Well to be honest, I probably wouldn't hate it if it was just some shitty movie that everyone forgot about a couple of months after. Because that's what it should've been. It looks nice and that's it. I don't think a film with no other redeeming qualities should ever have got as popular as it has. I kind of understand why Americans might like it. Because they're idiots and wouldn't know how offensive this film is, but why would any Scots put up with it? There are people in Scotland who think it's a great patriotic film. Are you fucking kidding me? This film really just disgusts me.

For one thing there's hardly any Scottish people in it. There's Brian Cox, and maybe one or two others, but that's practically it. Everyone else is Irish. And it's not even like they put on Scottish accents, or if they do they're some of the worse I've ever heard. At one point a guy who's supposed to be Irish turns up and until someone mentioned that he was Irish, I didn't realize, because he sounded exactly the same as all the people who were supposedly Scottish. Oh and William Wallace, great Scottish icon is played by Mel Gibson. From Australia. Who can't do a Scottish accent either. So, there's no Scottish characters. So I'm supposed to root my country as played by no-one from it.

The history is all messed up too. Edward II is clearly supposed to be gay and made fun of for this, and what I don't get is why this was in the film. Edward II in real life wasn't as famously gay as he is here, so the only reason it's in here is because Mel Gibson deliberately wrote in his homophobia. And the famous battle of Stirling Bridge was fought in the film... on a field. Which required the English to be monumentally stupid to get tricked by Wallace's strategy. And the English are totally evil in this film, raping women, killing innocents, and why? That didn't happen. Oh, just another thing put in by Mel Gibson, this time because he hates the English. Which brings me to my main problem with the film.

What this film should've been is a film glorifying Scotland and William Wallace. It's not. It might pretend to be that, what it actually is, is an ago trip for Mel Gibson. He changes the character of William Wallace from a nobleman to a peasant, because it would be so much more heroic for just an everyman to stand up to the English. He changes Robert the Bruce into a lying coward who was inspired by the hero Wallace, which is just a lie. Robert the Bruce was far more of a hero to Scotland, because he was the one who actually freed Scotland. He wasn't perfect but he was a lot better a man than this film makes out and he definitely wasn't just some disciple of William Wallace. Edward I died years after William Wallace was executed and not at the same time because it was symbolic. And Wallace didn't fucking shout freedom while he was being killed, because no-one would do that except a movie star who's ego is just so huge that he thinks he can get away with raping a country's history.

And finally. The thing that I hate more than anything else in this piece of shit that I barely call a film. When Mel Gibson went even further than too far. Apparently Wallace met Edward II's wife, had sex with her and the next King of England was his son. I literally cannot describe how angry that makes me. One, she was 10 when Wallace died. Two, she never met him. Three, the ONLY reason is in the film is because Mel Gibson thought that it would make him look really cool. I'm Scottish and I find it  hugely offensive to suggest that the English monarcy are all descendands of a Queen cheating with their enemy just to make Mel Gibson feel good because they wouldn't let his ego play Jesus Christ for another 9 years. I actually root for the English in this film even though they're fighting my country and they're cartoon villians just because I hate Gibson so much.

If you're going to make a film about a fictional Scottish hero who did these things, fine. If you're going to do a film about William Wallace, that's also fine. But don't you fucking dare take the name of a Scottish icon and then just invent a story so that it makes the main actor look good enough to fill his massive ego. That's just taking a shit all over our history and I can't believe that so many Scottish people are stupid enough to fall for Gibson's self indulgant hero-worshipping of himself. Go fuck yourself Mel Gibson.
I suppose you have to give him credit for making something
more offensive to me than Mariah's "Auld Lang Syne"

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